Title: In the middle of the night

Summery: Simon doesn't always cope well with his new life

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss Whedon not to me

set after safe

SLASH please don't read if you don't like slash

Simon smoothed River's dark hair behind her ears, breathing a selfish breath of relief. It had been a hard night, one in many. He felt awful about feeling greatful that River was asleep, it meant he could have a moment for himself.

The tears started slowly, stemming from the great love he had for River, his desire to make her better. But gradually they became tears of regret and sorrow and bone tiredness.

River had been more accepted into the crew then he, because she was a child, or that Inara, Kaylee and Book felt pity or empathy for the young girl.

He was stuck on the outside, he wasn't part of the crew, despite how nice Wash and Zoe and Book were. They knew he didn't really belong on this boat.

Simon's shoulders shook as he collapsed onto the cold floor, his tears were silent as he had long ago taught himself. Tears in the Tam estate had been seen as a sign of weakness. As his father had said 'not the making of a great doctor'

But here he was deep in the black, stripped of everything.

The tears came unbidden, he knew he couldn't stop even if Jayne walked in and held Vera to his head. This was his moment of weakness.

Surely he was allowed that one moment.

He was lost and alone, his sister lost to him in a fog of psycosis so deep he sometimes thought he would never find her again.

"Hey"

Simon's head whipped up so fast he banged his head on the wall. Mal stood at the door, his expression one of guarded concern.

"Whats's up doc?"

Simon hurried to maintain the last vestiges of his dignity.

"Nothing, Captain. I was just bedding down"

"And what the immense pressure of not havin' matchin' sheets finally caught up huh?"

Simon bowed his head not answering, willing the captain to accept his cowardice and folly and make a joke. Anything then tellin