An Unknown Soldier's Perspective
Thursday, March 9, 2006
It isn't what it always seems in the grand arena. <p>A one shot of the second-to-last scene in the BDM. 360-ish words.
<p>RATED FOR LANGUAGE and REFERENCES TO GORE
<p>A/N I am keenly interested in any emotional reactions or thoughts regarding this piece. All feedback will receive prompt and appreciative replies. Thanks for reading.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 2712 RATING: 9.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
He was shaking. He couldn’t stop the rifle from shaking as he aimed at the wall exploding into dusty flechettes.
They were chasing the Reavers, who had come and howled for the blood and wept for the beauty of shivering organs
so succulent and ripe and warm they scalded going down. The Reavers had engulfed them, destroying them as they
waited to take down one puny little shit fleabag but they weren’t alone and the Reavers followed and the fleabag got
away. *STAND DOWN DROP YOUR WEAPONS*
They didn’t want to win they didn’t even know who we are we are nothing but
lust and death and the sound oh God that sound *EVACUATE* that ripping of metal flesh but we aren’t dead and
everyone is violently happy and screaming. Impaling their victim with their own limbs and falling falling while
teeth ripped out throats not caring about the ground.
Alliance ships fled, Alliance troops dying without knowing
or caring that it was a gory sort of turnabout is fair play oh god this isn’t fair. They had made it to the
compound, carefully circumventing the shattered body of an eviscerated fleabag. They had orders and orders *DO WE
HAVE A KILL ORDER* and nothing made sense but their orders which were slippery words and blank eyes that saw nothing
but orders. His career meant freedom from the perfect shiny blindness of the eyeless of the Core and aspiring to
something greater like Reavers that could chew out your eyes oh God let it all be stories and I didn’t sign up for
this shit please don’t let me die.
The wall was gone and there were Reavers everywhere and he screamed and his
team screamed with him and wished they could fire, *PUT YOUR WEAPONS DOWN NOW*, what the hell is she is she a
Reaver? The rifles shook and the voices screamed and he called to his commanding officer for a kill order a second
time. Do we shoot? *WE WILL SHOOT*. She is only one is SHE why we’re here chasing Reavers? She can’t be it
she has blood oh God all over her but I can’t sho
The frenzy and the pace is amazing, also it's an awesome concept that I hadn't even considered.
It's very confronting, but I like it.
I have two quibbles, the first being the blocked together style. probably if you spaced it out, it'd look better.
And the seond is a personal preference. I don't think that words like "fuck" need to be in a fic when they weren't in the show, but as I said, that's my personal preference.
Luc
An interesting perspective from the 'other side'.
I, too, disliked the block style, but maybe that was deliberate? An indication of how quickly these thoughts were flying through his head?
Anyway, well done! Look forward to reading your future endeavors.
"I love my captain."
Regarding the language issue, believe it or not I have mulled this topic for years (even before Firefly first aired). It is rather fascinating how our culture accepts profanity in a foreign language but not in our own tongue. I love the chinese curses that are used on the show but I also know that it was a tool to allow profanity without getting censored. I also felt that it was slightly distracting during the dramatic moments, as my attention was directed towards translation and pronunciation (the latter,in the case of fic). It gave flavor to the lighter moments and extra punch to the humor. I want that extra jab to the gut that profanity adds, that keeps the reader uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel as though it is too easy to overlook the characters' fear or anger when we are only given the chinese version. I would think that this applied to all languages. "Holy Merde" just doesn't hit home to english speakers, the way that "Holy Shit" would. We have an intrinsic understanding of when we (as individuals) would apply profanity and I want that type of intimacy with the readers' psyche and the character's. Pinyinary or no, I feel uncomfortable using a language that I am not at least proficient enough in to verify grammar and spelling. I have also changed the author's note to indicate that the piece contains profanity.
ShinyTalent,BookAddict, and Lvs2read: frenzy, chaos, panic, fear were all the emotions that I was trying to convey. Plus I wanted to give the impression that time was both sped up and agonizingly slow at the same time. I want the reader to see the conflict between the soldier's training and fight/flight responses. The tiny voice in the back of your head that keeps a running dialogue that almost hypnotizes as it narrates what is going on. That narrative perspective is very specific and non-linear intentionally. The guy (or girl) standing next to him could be thinking, and evaluating the situation, in a way that would seem to have no relation to the events as perceived by this guy.
I am a bit overwhelmed that I received so many responses so quickly, LOL! Not complaining, mind you, I just assumed it would be 4 or 5 over the next month. I hope that my explanations make sense and any further thoughts will get the same babbling response as above :D
This is something I never expected but it really hit me. Excellent work.
b
I think you did very well at conveying the frantic thoughts of the character. The run on sentences with abrupt change of subject causes the reader to be part of the chaos of his mind, and there would be chaos. I've wondered what the ordinary Alliance soldier thinks of reavers. The goverment denies their existence, is it a court-martial worthy offence to not support the official line? Only the aftermath of their attacks are ever seen. What would a soldier know or believe?
About the language issue, I think if this is the language you believe the characters would use in this situation(and, I think that's a pretty fair assumption), then this is the language that is approriate. Well, that certainly sounds like what Simon would say. For anyone who disagrees with this, I would suggest watching the cleaned up for network television version of "The Shining". Most especially, the scene where Jack Nicholson wields the baseball bat before his terrified wife and says he's going to beat her GOSH DARN brains out!
The fear is palpable, the tension of a guy literally scared out of his mind, but there are also a couple of moments of unexpected humor. Such as, when he sees River dripping with blood surrounded by carnage, and he can't seem to wrap his mind around this picture. And of course, the reference to "One puny little shit fleabag", this guy better hope he never runs into Kaylee, 'cause if he thinks Reavers are scary...
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