The Newcomer
Monday, February 13, 2006
Just writing this for fun and to help me get over my writer's block. I love building up new characters and character relationships, so hope the new character doesn't offend anybody... Hope you enjoy, and feedback, please! More will be coming.
Has basically all interests: action, humor, romance, mystery, drama... Sorry about having no Chinese expletives; I don't have access to a translator or dictionary.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 2349 RATING: 9.0 (PG) SERIES: FIREFLY
“Think ya oughtta slow down a mite?” The skinny, old bartender suggested, dropping another smudged glass of blended liquor onto the bar before the patron. Non-responsive, the young man took a long pull on the drink and glanced around the seedy dive.
The man went by Gabriel, he was twenty one years old, and he had issues. He was well-muscled for his age, but his grimace and mannerisms were characteristic of a more seasoned man. Right now, he was just pissed-off and waiting. It had been two weeks since he’d escaped, and it was still a point of curiosity to him that the Feds weren’t looking for him any harder than what they were. *‘Course, what with this new Miranda situation, I’m sure they got all manner of other unpleasantries to deal with...*
It had been all over the Cortex when Gabriel escaped the facility with stolen clothing and medicine which he’d since pawned off for cash. *So the Alliance has a few dirty little secrets.* He took another drink, wincing at the familiar, comforting burn in his throat. *Big surprise.*
Two hairy ape-things that called themselves human sauntered into the bar and sat a few stools down from Gabriel. The bartender moved to assist them.
“Ale, two rounds,” the larger of the two ordered, and the frothy beverages were procured. Normally, two complete strangers would hold no interest whatsoever with Gabriel, but there was something about it... The situation, in general, had a peculiar aura to it that grabbed his attention. Studying his drink with his eyes and the newcomers with his ears, the man eavesdropped for several moments.
“An’ speakin’ on Reavers, you heard the talk? Folk’re sayin’ the gorram Independents might be tryin’ for a comeback, what with all this ruckus over the Miranda deal.” At this, Gabriel was all ears.
“Ruttin’ Browncoats better stay the hell outta my galaxy,” the other responded. “Had enough of the whole lot of ‘em there towards the end of the war.”
“So when’s this fella gonna show?” Jayne muttered, looking toward the door for the ump-teenth time th
Any feedback, positive or negative, is welcome. Remember, I'm trying to get back into the author scene, so constructive criticism isn't offensive.
You can't take the sky from me
River stuck her tongue out at him. “Don’t be silly,” she teased. “Take me with you.”
Great start!
I'll continue reading and pretend Gabriel is a bit older. :)
And I liked how Mal refers to him as kid.
Anyways, onto the review.
It's a good start. You could have drawn out the introductions a bit but if you're writing this as an episode to a season, then one has a certain amount of time to tell the story, so I can't blame you for getting them all smack into the middle of a bar fight. Happened in at least two Firefly episodes. Hehe.
Anyways, I tend to frown a bit at "another psychic or somesuch on board of Serenity" storylines, but I am liking this one. You write well and that's the major hook of a story, even if it has some overused elements -- a bad writes only rehashes things; a good one makes something fresh out of it. And I have enjoyed this first story, even though, as I said before, some things could have been a bit more drawn out. I am the kind of person that likes for things to move at a good, decently slow pace. But that won't detract from my enjoyment of everything else.
I am really enjoying the scenes between River and Gabriel, and at least this possible love interest of hers isn't the only unnatached man in the ship that isn't the Captain or her brother (you know who I mean).
[Quote]
“I don’t go anywhere. I just zone everything out. Makes it easier to not feel.” He stared back across the bay. “It’s a nice break, sometimes.”
[/Quote]
I liked this line; it was really sad and poignant and fitting. And it's true, in a way, to pretty much everyone in the ship who has suffered and not dealt with it: Zoe, Mal, River.
Kaylee's the sweety she always is. Jayne might have been named the Public Relations guy (*snort* *chuckle*) but Kaylee is the Welcome Committee, and I guess she'd be the first to get a new person comfortably installed on the ship.
And I love this line:
[Quote] Gabriel’s gaze snapped back to her, and he actually looked flustered. “Wh-what was that? OH, the ship, yeah.” He shook his head and glanced at the floor. “Yeah, sorry. Got confused for a moment there.” [/Quote]
What were you thinking, Gabriel? *grin*
It's getting late so I'm going to read the rest some other time.
And, look, this is the first story I've reviewed since joining a couple of days ago. :)
Ah, and you can ignore the "I'll continue reading and pretend Gabriel is a bit older. :)" bit of the previous post. I'll do no such thing. :o)
*rant*
What the heck happened to the quote thingie? Doesn't it work here? :( Gorram it. Sorry for the whole mangled post thing. *blushes*
*/end rant*
Post Your Comments
You must log in to post comments.