Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

Remnants - DF05

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Kicking into River's dream as we continue weaving this tapetry one thread at a time. (it has been edited a bit for clarity since first published here)

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3672    RATING: 7.0 (PG)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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River is in the back seat of a stagecoach. She looks outside and the scenery is passing her by. The scenery looks like a forest. The scenery goes by really fast and then stops, then it goes by quickly again. However, the stagecoach doesn't change in its velocity. It bounces a bit up and down as it continues down a cobblestone road but she looks out and the scenery doesn't match her velocity. This is curious to her.

She looks around. She is sharing the stagecoach with three other girls who look just like her, only they aren't her. One looks like a who she might have looked like if she had never been taken by those Blue Sun people. Dressed smartly. Looking as if she hasn't a care in the world. The other her is in a loose-fitting straitjacket and her head is bandaged, as if she's a her who never left Blue Sun, but is still there. I should point out that the jacket's of a design where her limbs are free and she can use her hands. There are belts and clasps visible, but she's not wrapped up. The outfit allows free movement but it should appear as if she's recently been held fast and only now is free.

The fourth River is one that we never see, for it is through her eyes that we perceive the events of her dream. This River is disembodied and unseen perhaps by all but 'our River' the River who looks most like the River we've grown accustomed to knowing. Our River occasionally looks directly at this fourth disembodied River, but it is only a scant look. A self-conscious and random look. As if the first River is aware she's being watched by the fourth River. The other two do not know she is there. Fourth River could also be described as the camera .

"I'll never get used to this," says the River who never went to Blue Sun. "One day, she's at the friendship ceremony. The next day, she's on the news. The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So I'm thinking, Maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix."

The River wearing a straitjacket r

Comments
ANONYMOUS
Sunday, 11 January 2004 21:32
I'm not sure if you're writing this as a screenplay or prose. If you're trying to write a screenplay, then you should look into screenplay formats. There are heaps of info sites on the net.

If this was supposed to be written as prose, then it needs a lot of work. Talking about camera angles and the description of the straitjacket should be thrown out and redone.

Also, the change back and forth from present tense to past tense is jarring. You completely lost me when you went in to speech only mode with River1, 2 and 3.
Sunday, 11 January 2004 23:38
Jarring the reader is intentional. This is River's mind that's dreaming. It's not supposed to be a walk in the park. I've studied various screenplay, prose and poetry formats for use of storytelling, and an amalgam of them was what I was going for. The dream fragments are admittedly going to be an aquired taste for some and unwiedly for others. I apologize for asking a bit of effort from the reader.
Monday, 12 January 2004 15:59
Upon closer inspection and after eating some crow I decided to lend credence to the anonymous poster's criticism and attempt some editing based on said individual's suggestions. In the future please be kind enough as to include one's own nomenclature to your criticism, if you wish to be taken seriously, but thank you for the constructive feedback.
INNOGEN
Sunday, 01 February 2004 19:49
Well, I wouldn't lend a lot of credence to an anonymous poster. I started your series from the beginning and have liked how it has progress from the objective telling format to fiction format. Don't eat crow. It's River's dream. You are the author. Don't give up your intent.

Innogen

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