NOTE: This is my first fanfic ever--no other show has inspired me to write about it. That said, feedback is more than welcome, here or at lisa@selkie.net.
Typical Disclaimer: Just borrowing ME's characters for a few moments... they're not mine.
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"It wasn't your fault."
Mal was startled by the whisper-soft voice from the shadows. "River..." he said by way of greeting, barely discerning the fall of her hair in the darkness before turning his attention back to the cargo bay below. When she said nothing more, he thought she'd gone away, until he heard the soft padding of bare feet against the metal catwalk.
"People die," River murmured. "War kills people. Famine kills people. Plague kills people. Can't stop it. Can't help it. People die."
"Hey now," Mal said, growing uneasy. "Best not be lettin' the Shepherd hear you talk so, else he'll try t'talk you to about how to get to heaven afterwards."
"Too many secrets." River's voice was mournful. "Too much death." Mal knew she was nearby from the sound of her voice. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her bare feet peeking from the hem of her dress. "Not your fault," she said again.
With a reluctant sigh, Mal turned to her. "All right. What's not my fault?"
"Serenity's your home," River said gravely. "Once you've been in Serenity, you never leave." She paused. "Time to go."
"Shoulda known better than to expect a straight answer," he muttered.
"Permission to come aboard?" River stepped close, so close Mal took an involuntary step back.
"What?"
"Shh." River raised a hand and pressed her fingertips against Mal's forehead. "Here. Men and women all dying. You should have stopped it. Can't stop it. Lead the living, best thing you can do."
Mal closed his eyes, flashes of memory, of Serenity Valley, going off like artillery
You got the voices down. Good job, that's the worst part of every bad fan fic, is that they never, never have the voices. But you do, so major Kudos! Good River (and she's not the easest charchter to write) so bravo. And it's a sweet little seen that's more or less belivable. It's the less belivable that catches me. One, I don't know where they are and while that's not really importaint, it's a little odd that one second Mal can't even see River, and then he sees only her feet, then she kisses his forhead? I just don't quite see how that works. Another thing is it seems a little too emotionally cut and dry. Mal's an emotional mess, River's an emotional mess . . . I don't know, I feel like if River ever gave him comfort or counseling it'd be Messier. Just my opinion.
But now that my critque's about a third the size of your story I'll shut up. Good, phinominal job. Really!
-harri vane (to lazy to sign in)
seshat
Good job.
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