The new passenger Part 1.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
They are needin' some extra money and have room for a temporary passenger since Book left.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3859 RATING: 8.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
The story begins about 3 months after Serenity(movie). It is a hard time for the crew. Zoe is just completely crushed about Wash.They are needing extra money and have room for a temporary passenger since Book left the ship,also Inara has a client on Pesephone.As Serenity flies out from the clouds you see Inara's Shuttle fly away in the sky.
"Okay River , start the landing sequence",Mal says to river as he is standing beside her chair.
River says "yes sir" and begins the landing sequence.
Slowly Serenity lands in the Eavesdown docks. River looks up at Mal and smiles proudly. Mal smiles back and then turns around into the hall.
" COME ON JAYNE", Mal yells out to Jayne who is in his bunks trying to decide which gun to bring.
Zoe walks up to Mal "Ready, sir, She asks him with a strait face.
"You gonna be ready" Mal says concerned if she can handle it.
" Were just finding a passenger, sir." Zoe says confidant she can handle the job.
Jayne comes out of his bunk with Vira. " Ready, Mal".
"Okay, Lets go",Mal says eager to make some money.
They walk out of the cargo bay scoping out the croud for people with bags.
"Jayne, you go get the supplies Kaylee needs, Me and Zoe will find someone",Mal says with a serious tone in his voice.
"Yes, sir". Jayne responded sarcastically as he rolls his eyes. Luckily for him Mal didn't see.
Mal hands him a huge list full of parts he never heard of.
"What, how do I find this crap Mal", Jayne says with a whinny voice and a mad look on his face.
"Not my problem" Mal says as he starts walking into the croud.Mal is having to dodge people as he is walking threw the crowd.
Mal talks to people for about 45 minutes 'til he finds someone he can agree on a price with (and isn't a purplebelly). The man is about 6'4,with short, brown hair; pretty ugly looking( then again I'm a dude so every man is ugly to me). T
That said, while this is a start, there's two things I'd recommend. First is, you should separate out different paragraphs. It's hard to read a big block of text like that, the eyes get a little lost.
And the second thing is, this isn't really a finished chapter. This is more of an outline. When you're writing you really hafta dive into a scene, inhabit it, delve, explore, and linger. Don't back away from getting below the surface of the characters and their conversations, the expressions of the people, their motivations and how they feel. Your writing is what brings Firefly back and keeps it alive. Use your words to help them breathe.
Welcome to the verse.
"You can't take the sky from me!"
Now we have a good lead up into introducing your new character. And you still have that nice bit of foreshadowing at the end.
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