River is a sadist.

Sadism: the deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.

She wishes she was not a sadist. Sadism is a sin, she knows. Shepard Book would hate her if she tells him. She is a bad person.

Dim light reflecting off of her blade, cold air chilling her bones, warm blood coating her hands, blood flowing down her arms, screaming Reavers as their souls leave their bodies, screaming… screaming…

She touches her cool wrists, examines her pale skin, and remembers. She is a sadist, yes. Simon would hate her if he knew. Her dear beloved brother would hate her. She is a selfish being and does not want him to find out.

Simon fears her sometimes. She knows from the way he hesitates before embracing her, the look he gets in his eyes. Her dear stupid brother…

She likes to play with him. She knows she is so much better than he is and he makes a good toy. That is a bad thought. She should not think like that. He is a person, as real as she is. They are both sapient beings.

She still cannot help the thoughts that trickle through her mind. Simon is funny when she pokes at him. She pretends to poison him and laughs at his horror. She crushes his throat and feels a rush of glee at her power. She is cruel. She takes pleasure from her cruelty. She is a sadist.

She wonders if she is real or just a dream. Maybe she was alive once but now she is cold and dead and one of the ghosts that haunt this place. She does not feel like she is a girl, only a corpse cold and dead.

She crawls along the wire mesh floor of Serenity’s cargo bay. Simple, quiet. Zoë and Jayne know she is there, but they do not care. She is as a ghost to them: silent, invisible, practically nonexistent.

She wants to be good. She wants to be a good sister. It is the shining goal above her head, and she can reach and reach but never with the tips of her fingers even brush it at all.

The drugs help. Sometimes. Sometimes it is as though that shining shimmering light falls about all around her and wrap arou