(Zoe.)

I got up early on ship's time that morning, around 0450 hours. Hadn't gotten to the bunk terribly early, what with watching the big baijiu matchoff between the doctor and Inara, but - well, I don't seem to get much sleep lately anyways. Not like I'm plagued with nightmares, though I guess sometimes that moment when my man was ripped away from me replays across my closed eyes as I lie down and try to get some rest...

I guess, (and I'm only even mentioning this sort of thing because I know that you'd NEVER repeat it on me, right? I know that you're a friend of the Captain's, so I guess that you sort of inherit the trust that I'd put in him...) that I wonder sometimes if it was better this way or not. I mean, that it was so quick when Wash was taken from me, just a blink and he was... well. Think about if when the moment came, it were something that I could have saved him from, only if he still died, that would mean that I hadn't been strong enough, or quick enough, or smart enough. Would I just feel worse that I'd failed him, or would it be some comfort that I'd at least had a fair shot. Or one of those things that you can see coming, have time to say your goodbyes, but could never possibly stop, like a gut wound or an untreatable cancer...

Back when I was in the army, it was easier to accept the notion of losing people. I'd known from the first day that I signed up that my comerades in arms would die, and that I stood a good chance of buying the farm while wearing a uniform and carrying army issue hardware my own self. Guess I didn't let many of those people get under my skin, though the captain and Tracey are exceptions. You can't keep yourself from having other people matter to you, is the long run of it, and when I realized how much the crew of Serenity mattered, especially my husband, then I started to dedicate my life to protecting them all, with the kind of dedication I used to reserve for the forces.

But you can't keep people in this Verse by being single-minded about it either, I guess.