Episode 3: First Date
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The other side of Episode 2:
To rescue Mal from the Alliance, Zoe must remember a lesson from the man she loved.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3402 RATING: 8.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Episode 3: First Date
Prologue
I'm loyal to my Captain. Since the war, I learned to rely on him, trust him. Back then, you had to. A single misplaced step, a moment's hesitation, would mean a quick end to the things we treasure most.
Things like freedom.
Things like breathin'.
In the medical room of Southdown Abbey, a Shepherd did his best to make sure Simon would keep doin' just that. He stuck a needle into Simon's arm, pumped him full of drugs. The worst of the work was over. He would be okay.
In the corner of the room, Jonas, our guard of sorts, whispered to another Shepherd. The other Shepherd nodded, took up the post while Jonas disappeared.
"Somethin' ain't right," I whispered to Jayne.
"Yeah, we figured that part out," Jayne said.
River pressed her face against the glass separating us from the medical room. "It's very soft," she said. She slid down, crouched against her knees. One moment she seemed happy her brother would be all right. Next tears spilled down her face. "They won't let him go," she said.
"They'll let him go, sweetie," Kaylee told River. She kneeled next to her. "Soon as they say he's fine. Right, Zoe? We pay'em, that'll be that."
"Maybe--"
A faint gunshot echoed. North-east. Outside, in some enclosed space. Too broad a sound for a shot inside the Abbey.
Which meant somehow the Captain had ignored my warning, and because I'd said to hell with my doubts, he's the Captain, TRUST HIM, we were in for trouble.
A quick glance at Jayne confirmed he'd heard it,too. I whispered, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin?"
"Thinkin' Mal's as good at negotiatin' as he ever was."
"That bad?"
Jayne patted his back pocket, inside of his thigh, under his arm. Knowin' Jayne he had small but lethal weapons hidden in all of those spots. "Good thing we came prepared then."
Kaylee stood up, looked back and forth at us. "Something goin' on?
However... as soon as you cut to Ch. 1 and it's still minimal dialogue with description slow in coming, I'm lost. I need something more there. I need something to assure me that the time and location has indeed shifted pretty seriously, because I had a moment of WTF? and couldn't ever get back into the flow. Sorry, but I didn't read much of the rest. I was too lost.
I admit, I haven't read your previous chapters, so I don't have any experience as to your style to guide me. But I wager that you'll suck in a late comer like me better if you'll give a bit more description to clarify the *why* of your narrative. ie, (if it is indeed a flashback to Wash/Zoe courtship...) why a flashback right there? What's the connection to the real time plot? Why did Zoe's thoughts shift that way?
(I'm quite opionated, generally speaking. So take this as constructive criticism or ignore it at your leisure. It's all good. :) Either way, you write some very fine FF dialog!)
Also, we encourage you to read the preceding episodes! While we think most episodes should make sense on their own, this one is intended as a companion piece to Episode 2 so won't adhere to the same rules.
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