New Beginnings: Hoban Chapter 3
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
The Job threatens to go south
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 2358 RATING: 9.0 (NC17) SERIES: FIREFLY
Ben and Mikie were hiding just out of sight, when Freddie walked up the gangway, her long blonde hair swinging down to her hips, and a smile that would knock most men off their feet. She wore a beautiful silk gown, and she carried a small bag for the week’s events.
“Inara, I’m so glad you could see me!” Freddie exclaimed.
“Freddie, this is Captain Zoe Alleyne. Zoe, this is Frederika Erneston.”
Zoe extended a hand, and Freddie grabbed her and gave her a big hug. When Zoe straightened up, Freddie said; “I insist you call me Freddie.”
“Welcome aboard Freddie, you can call me Zoe. During your stay with us, feel free to wander my Ship. My crew are friendly, and curious to meet you.”
Inara jumped in, eager to lead the conversation away from wandering the ship. “Or, you can stay in my shuttle, if you would prefer the privacy.”
“Of course.” Said Zoe, taking the hint. “I have to go and prepare the Ship for take-off, please excuse me” She took a short bow, and left.
Inara lead Freddie up the stairs to the beautifully prepared Shuttle, and poured the Tea for them both. They sat talking until the Ship had left Osiris.
As Zoe had been heading back to the cock-pit, she found Ben and Mikie staring, open-mouthed, at where Inara and Freddie had just been standing. “I don’t think I have ever seen someone so beautiful” Said Ben, full of awe.
“Gentlemen, I hope you were not staring at our esteemed guest. Now get to work. We need to be on Whitefall in 72 hours.” Zoe ordered.
“Yes Cap’n” They said in unison.
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Back in Inara’s shuttle, Freddie lay down on her back on the soft silken bed, and let Inara’s deep kisses continue. The warmth of Inara’s mouth spread down Freddie’s body, and she arched against it. Inara moved her hands so skilfully and delicately over the naked brown skin, caressing every inch in her hands, and touching every inch with her lips. She concentrated all her efforts and skills on Freddie now, listening to the steady breat
I just read your first story part yesterday. Was quite interesting and it was very different than anything that Ive read before. Its very dark, but still, I like the idea. So, please take what Im about to say as CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. You need to go a bit slower in your story. It seems way too much is being introduced way too quickly to be assimilated.
For example, you could have broken your first post into 3 parts. 1: how zoe lost her child(everyone is prolly fine with her being pregnant post movie, I would think) but there is an entire chapter right there on how she lost her child. 2) her coming to the decision to leave serinity. There are 6 other people keep in mind that will speak to her, trying to keep her there. Thats six arguments she needs to have 3) the meeting with Wash's brother. That is deserving a short post all its own.
Now, with that said, you've presented what you have in a whorlwind. I really think you might want to slow down and examine what your charaters are thinking and take your time. You have something very unique here. Zoe is going to have to learn to go from 2nd in command to 1st. Dealing with Patients is going to be a trial by fire. Even I have not put my characters up against her yet.
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