Clarity.

What comes natural to others is something I’ve only had fleeting glimpses of.

Since Miranda, clarity is a new feeling for me.

The cost was great. I’m ashamed that I enjoy it.

I hide my feelings, the transformation was quick and welcomed but the crew… the crew that gave me my life back, they are injured…no not right…hurt. The crew is hurt by the cost. I feel their loss. They cannot know my joy.

Their pain fills my brain. Before Miranda I don’t think I could have handled it. I’ve been working to control the flow into my head. I didn’t understand it before; it was random, quick flashes that would invade me. It’s smooth now.

I can read into them deeper now. Time it seems, plays apart in that, the familiarity that everyone feels is magnified in me.

They have released me. I owe them a debt, so each night I reach out and invite their thoughts. It’s not much, but if I can make a special meal, take on an annoying chore, plot an efficient course, anything to ease their pain.

Tonight feels dark. I don’t like it when it feels dark, but I do it anyway.

I start with Jayne.

Most of the time an amusing joke, at Simon’s expense, over supper, is enough to brighten his day. There was the one time I wore a shorter skirt around the bay while he was restocking the mule. Inara quickly stepped in when she noticed Jayne’s glare. Jayne mentioned something about his bunk and left the bay. I told Inara I would be more careful in the future. My work was done.

The dark feelings engulf me, jokes and short skirts won’t be enough.

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Gorammit Shepherd why ya have to go and git yourself kilt.

I missed ya when you left for Haven, but knowin you was there, always made me feel better.

I know I gave ya a hard time bout your ways, when we would have our talks. I hope you know I was jus putting ya on.

The way you would git all philosiful, when we was working out, made me feel… made me feel good, like I was equal to ya. Not just some dumb gun hand. I miss that.

Things are tough now, hell it was always tough but