Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

Shower Sequence 1

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Post BDM, w/ Wash still living. Kaylee's been sad and Mal's the appointed guinea pig of why. Entering into romantic fanfic m/k, r/j, i/s as story continues. Short piece, first ff, be nice.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 1749    RATING: 8.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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The shower had been on for the last twenty minutes. There was absolutely no reason for a person, on their own, to need twenty gorram minutes for a shower. Mal wasn’t really mad at Kaylee; he just didn’t like being the one to have to talk to her. He agreed that he wasn’t the one who should be there, but it was never the simple. He had been appointed by the rest of the crew; the crew that he was the captain of, it was a hell of a start to the day.

Shaking his head, Mal decided to just deal with it before there was no more water left in the ship. “Kaylee, I need to talk to you a minute,” Mal managed sounding calm over the pounding he was doing on the door. The lack of answer was unnerving, but he pushed through that. “Kaylee, you are alone in there, right, girl?”

“Yes, Capt’n, I am all alone in the general shower room,” Kaylee’s voice was rough from crying as she answered. “Is something wrong with my girl?”

“Only that you are using up all the water,” Mal regretted the words as they carelessly emptied his mouth and head simultaneously. This is why Zoe or Inara should be talking to the girl. “I’ve been trying to talk to you for the last ten minutes.” More like working up the courage, but he wasn’t going to split hairs on this point.

“Sorry, Capt’n,” Kaylee managed despite her less than audible sobbing in the shower. It just felt better to cry in the shower, no one really noticed, there was no tell tale signs afterward, it was great. She didn’t rightly know why she was sobbing again, she and Simon called it quits nearly a month ago, and didn’t last nearly that long. It didn’t really bother her that they weren’t sexin’ any longer, or that they weren’t a couple. She just felt sad was all.

“You okay in there, Lil’ Kaylee?” Mal asked despite not truly knowing what to do if she weren’t. Again, no answer, he really would have rather sent anyone in his place, but he puffed out his chest in a captainy fashion and strode into the general shower room. “Kaylee, I’m pretty close to having a ve

Comments
Thursday, 15 February 2007 23:50
I applaud your use of different ships - I think Mal/Kaylee is especially difficult to pull off, so I look forward to seeing how you handle it.

I thought your Kaylee in this section seemed a bit too stilted and that Mal might have been a tad condescending. I think, when entering the shower room, he would have realized first that she had been crying and want to help and two that if he asked her to turn the water off, she'd freeze. Maybe he would have offered her a towel and when she stepped out and into it, there could have been a moment?

Of course, that's just me, so take it or leave it ... also, I think we're going to need to see how Mal and Inara "struck out" again - especially for Simon to begin dating Inara only a month after breaking things off with Kaylee ... seems a might fast to me ...

But I liked the style and I think the story could be highly intriguing. I look forward to part two!
Friday, 16 February 2007 00:25
I don't think Mal would have realised Kaylee was crying with the shower going full pelt especially as he had to shout to hear himself over the water. Once the water was off though he would have heard the upset in her voice. As for Inara and Simon I can see the two having a lot in common because of their core backgrounds but it's hard to see them as a couple. And when Kaylee appeared naked in front of Mal I think he would have turned his back to her and asked her to cover up what with his puritanical streak. Not sure how you will pull off Kaylee/Mal. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Friday, 16 February 2007 04:23
Hmm...lots of lovely promise, but the presentation wasn't perfect. Definitely have to agree with AMDOBELL about Mal not being able to hear Kaylee sobbing over the water and his expected reaction to her nudity...Mal's got good hearing, but it would probably take either either part of Rayne to know Kaylee's crying while the shower is running for different reasons; and as Kaylee points here, Mal treats her like a child needing to be sheltered, so he would definitely have a "WHOA!" reaction before turning around to talk with Kaylee while facing away from her.

Also...I think having us see the Simon/Kaylee and Mal/Inara relationships go bust would help us both visualize where things go wrong so you can move towards having Mal and Kaylee hook up at the same time the other couples do.

However...don't take these comments and the comments from the others as reasons to stop writing or try something else. You got an interesting idea here and you've got room to explore things. A famous piece of advice for writing is "Show, don't tell." Let us see the various dynamics as the break and shift and evolve over the course of a storyline;D

BEB
Friday, 16 February 2007 19:11
I'm not going to rate this one, because I am absolutely not sure how I felt about it. Everyone's right, it's interesting to ship new pairings and I'd like to see how you pull it off, because Mal/Kaylee does not resonate with me at all, nor does Simon/Inara. Like to see if you can change my mind at all there.

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