Usual disclaimers apply: I don't own, brilliance on those who do.
Please comment: criticism is good, guidance is better.
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To her great surprise, the little one didn’t scream. In fact, a giant smile washed over her slight face.
“Found you,” the little one said. “Hiding in plain sight.”
She looked up from her very uncomfortable position between the bolted furniture. “Well,” she began, trying to keep the edge out of her voice, “whatever works, ne ce’st pas?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly a pair of slender hands reached in and took hold of her arms. After a few forceful tugs, the little one decided to employ a different method. “Simon? Captain?” she called out.
Within seconds, she went from being a breathing end table stuck between solid clapboard furniture to being the main attraction in a very tiny zoo. There were seven pairs of eyes now completely trained on her, some in shock at her presence, others full of worry and dread, still others just wondering what in the hell was going on.
The captain was the first to say something: “Zoe, do you remember stowing a girl there between the chairs? “Cause I must have forgotten that part.”
“No, sir. Must have forgotten that myself,” said Zoe, who reminded her of a graceful Amazon from the old volumes from Earth-that-was. There wasn’t any doubt in her mind that if she wanted, she could end her already short life a bit too quickly. Reading deeper, she found that among other things, she seemed to be a rational sort---something she hoped would continue, for her sake.
“Anyone here remember picking up this little article?” said the captain again, a bit too loudly. It was obvious that he was both very confused and decidedly irritated---even a deaf-mute could have picked that up from the contortions his face was going through at the moment.
Her knees couldn’t stand being scrunched together and bent a second longer. “Okay, okay, je l’obteins. Could you please hurry and decide whether
You can't take the sky from me
Hee, great Mal voice. So, does the captain jump every time Chase says the word "shadow"?
Now if I could only figure out how to weave in my first post to what I've got now...hmmm...
I have a little constructive criticism if you want it... I'm having a hard time separating references to Chase from references to River: "girl" and "little one". A girl calling River little one is a bit hard for me to place in my mind, because I picture Chase as being little herself. (I may have just made that up...)
Similarly, it isn't always clear which of the two you're refering to when you use "she." It slows the flow a little bit, because the reader has to figure out who the "she" is.
But please don't be bothered by all this - I'm picky. :) It's a good story, I'm enjoying it very much and look forward to seeing where it goes!
Can't wait to see how Chase's confessions continue on with the crew's reactions to her statements:D
BEB
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