Mal glared at River, still in her pretty dress and with the party hair and makeup Kaylee and Inara had done up for her, and uttered the one sentence he'd swore he'd never say to another human being.

"Go to yer room!"

He was turning into his Ma. The thought made him shudder.

"And wash off that warpaint! Girl your age don't need such things."

River stood her ground. "I turned 18 today, you know. Old enough now."

Mal hesitated. There was no denying that in the span of 24 hours, his little albatross had gone from untouchable to no-holds-barred. Still, catching her on the receiving end of a not-very-platonic kiss from Kaylee's cousin when they'd been visiting her family had set off alarms in Mal's brain.

"Darlin', you have no notion what boys like him want of you."

She grinned. "Yes I do, Could read it in his thoughts. Could also read that he was terrified of you or Jayne punching him out."

"As well he should be!" Mal crossed his arms for emphasis, before realizing that was what his Ma used to do when she was mad at him. He uncrossed his arms immediately.

"How old were you when you got your first kiss, Captain."

Mal was clearly not having this conversation. Not in a million years. "I...uhhhh...that's different."

She cocked her head. "Different how?"

"Boys grow up faster."

Please, Buddha, just let her go back to her room and end this chat here and now.

"Simon was younger than me...barely."

Mal had to grin at the notion of the doc all gawky and awkward with a girl.

"Little one, I know it's hard. Big chunks of your life gone missing and all. But trust me, that kissing and such are things you'll get around to eventually."

"Eventually?"

"Yeah. When you're 30. You'll get around to it."

She grinned again. "Are you going to tell on me to Simon?"

He put on his Stern Captainy Face. "Well, I think we'll let this go, seeing as it's a first offence. Just don't let it happen again!"

"Til I'm 30?"

Mal nodded. "Yep. Til you're 30. Now go and scrub your face cle