"Limitless"
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Mal has been given a job to deliver a slave girl from Persephone to Sihnon but doesn't understand that she has feelings for him. She feels that she can only tell River her feelings and problems. But her powers are becoming limitless…
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 833 RATING: 6.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
Serenity was due for landing on Persephone. River, Simon, and Jayne were in the canteen. Kaylee was in the engine room in her hammock, Wash was piloting Serenity with Zoe and Mal next to him.
“Here we go.” Wash announced. Serenity, the Firefly class transport ship broke the atmosphere and entered the bustling city. Badger was waiting and didn’t nessecarily greet them instead he sneered.
“Well look who it isn’t…” Mal dumped the goods in front of him.
“Happy now?” He said with a tinge of sarcasm. Badger had his henchmen remove the goods and he handed over the money for the job.
“Got you another job that doesn’t consist of coming back here with the goods.”
“Go on.” Mal replied folding his arms.
“Got a wave last week, someone on Sihnon has been searching for a personal companion who hasn’t lost their virginity. Surprised that the pretty one we caught still had hers. Trouble is, she is a ‘fluke of evolution’ . So we are sending her off. Want to do it?”
“How much for?” Mal said.
“5000 credits. Interested?” Jayne sighed at the sound of 5000 credits.
“Come on captain?” He muttered in Mal’s ear.
“We’ll do it as long as Jayne keeps his pecker in his trousers.” Jayne threw a look at Mal in disgust. Badger sent his men to get the girl. They came back with a vivid red head. Her hair was literally red. She had red eyes and scruffy clothes on. Her ears were elf-like. Mal’s face dropped.
“What did I tell you? ‘fluke of evolution’. Here are her belongings and you should keep her chained. Bye.” Mal left with the chains in his hands that cuffed the girl’s hands behind her back. They reached Serenity and climbed aboard. Kaylee and River were in the cargo bay when Mal, Zoe and Jayne returned from their meeting with Badger.
“Who’s this?” Kaylee asked moving closer. The girl backed away.
“She’s afraid.” River said. Mal untied the chains.
“I will let you move freely around my boat if you are civilised and not hurt anyone otherwise you will go out that door…in space.” The girl whimpered.
“Me and Kaylee will look a
Your premise itself goes against what I believe the characters in this universe would do. Mal is, despite what he says, a noble man. He'd never agree to transport a slave anywhere. Not without having problems with it, and he doesn't seem even care. He even threatens her. A shackled slave, and he tells he he'll shoot her if she attacks anyone. That isn't Mal.
And them dealing with Niska? After War Stories? I really don't think so. I do think you need to see Firefly again, maybe read some other fanfics, because you need to be careful with your characterizations. You've started this story with a premise that I just couldn't see happening, and you've insert a character that is so glaringly a Mary Sue the summary itself gave it away... But I still digged through it to give you this advice.
Rewrite this story. Change the whole premise of it, if you have to. If you want to have a romance between Mal and your OC, make it a believable one and make your character believable! That means she's human, not a super powerful telekinetic mind-controling psychic woman who can blow space stations with her mind. Make us care for her, instead of twisting our noses at her.
Also, try not to rush your stories too much. The action just passes on too quickly, with hardly a break, and very little character development. But it's the character voices you've got to work on.
Again, sorry if this sounds harsh, but the fact remains that your story needs heavy reworking to be believable... as it is now, it's just yet another rushed Mary Sue story...
Like Xeyra rightly pointed out, your OC is a Mary Sue in the most obvious sense. Attractive, powerful and she seduces Mal....yep, she's got zip flaws.
Plus? The structuring of this story makes the whole matter kinda worse. Things occur too rapidly, ideas are thrown in and taken out seemingly on a whim and characters act completely against established type. Doubt that even with a giant AU warning would this be considered even vaguely, this would be taken seriously:(
Still...to give you some positive hope and feedback, I think this could be salvaged if you took some time and thought on how you could have Eleanor integrate with the crew without having her be an elf or mystical creature or evolved human. She could be a early Academy victim or the result of another Alliance/Blue Sun project. Or how about somone afflicted with a malady that required experimental treatment that backfired? All these options fit better with the storyverse Joss and the good people at Mutant Enemy, Fox and Universal established than a character I have to admit seems like a refugee from Lord of the Rings...
BEB
Post Your Comments
You must log in to post comments.