Mal looked up from the cargo manifest at the sound of a remarkable string of Chinese curses that woulda even made Jayne blush. “Hey now, little one, watch the language…”

River stopped and whirled around to stare daggers at him. “Why are you men all so pigheaded and stupid? Apes with dragging knuckles, all of you!”

He’d taken his fair share of abuse on behalf of his gender over the years, some of it even fairly earned on his part, but Mal found himself taking an involuntary step back and raising his arms in the “I surrender” position. In response, River let loose with another set of curses and stomped out of the cargo bay.

He stared at a very subdued Kaylee and a smug-looking Jayne as they trooped up the gangway. “OK, what in the name of Creation is she all on about? You were supposed to escort her to this dance shindig. That was all. Jayne, you didn’t spike the punch or nothin’, didya?”

“Hell no, Mal. Did exactly what ya said. Kept the moonbrain outta trouble.”

Kaylee snorted in disgust. “Sure ya did. By scaring that poor boy half outta his wits. All he was doin’ was giving her a kiss.”

Mal pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to stop the headache he could feel coming on. “Jayne, what exactly did you do to the boy?”

“Shucks. I barely nudged him.”

“Jayne? Define ‘nudge.’”

Kaylee broke in. “If givin’ him a bloody nose was a nudge, then sure. Started one heck of a dustup as well.”

Mal was now dead certain this notion of Inara’s to let River enjoy a bit of normal teen activity was gonna blow up in his face. “You punched a kid half your age? And started a brawl at a teen dance?”

Jayne shuffled his feet a bit, looking down at the ground. “That about covers it, I guess.”

Kaylee socked him on the arm. “No it don’t! See, Cap’n, the kid is the son of the police chief.”

Mal threw up his hands. “Oh, well that makes it all better, now don’t it? Punching out the get of the local constabulary who was half your age and starting a brawl at a teen dance when we’ve still got Alliance ho