Blue Sun Room FICTION - HUMOR

Lost on Persephone

Saturday, September 9, 2006

Simon Tam is a very fun drunk when he wants to be. Also I cant spell well.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2280    RATING: 7.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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Mal was in a very good mood. It had finaly happened. Kaylee had dumpted Simon. He had over heard then talking in the engon room and was delighted when he heard Kaylee said that it was over. Mal had never liked the popus doctor very much and he didn't think that Simon was rite for Kaylee. " He just never got her." Mall thought as he, Jayne and Zoe but the final creat onto the mule and set of for Serenity. When they arrived they had to wait for Inara to come back from her apointment with lady Karren the owner of the majority of the land on that planet. Wash came out of the ship. " Hey guys have you seen SImon today?" " I saw him leave but I don't know were his gone." said Zoe kissing Wash. Just then river appeared with Kaylee to help bring the crates on to the ship. " What are all these creates full of any ways they way about a ton." said Kaylee useing her one unbroken arm to lift a particularly heavy box with Zoes help. " Well the blue once are full of med suplies and the whtie ones are full of food. Were bringging them to Ghost." said Mal smilling. " What are you in such a good mood about? Kaylees not cooking for use again is she cus no affence but your not the worlds best cook Mal." said Wash looking hopefully at Kaylees broken arm. " Sorry Wash my arm still isn't better. that engine part broke it clean in two." said Kaylee with a grimace. River look at Mal for a second and laughed. " Whats so funny their little albotross?" " Its not whats funny know its what will be funny." Said River smilling. " And taht makes all the sence in the world" Groweled Jayne. He had never forgiven River for getting him into toruble with Mal after she had found one of his guns and almost used it. "So no one knows were the Doc is then?" asked Zoe. " NO Clue I don't think we have to worry about him until after Inara gets back." said Wash lifting a create off of the mule. but mabey book knows were he is?" " Come to think about it I haven't seen him ither." Mal swore " I guess were going to have to look for them then. ok Wash you and

Comments
DESERTGIRL
Sunday, 10 September 2006 04:26
This story sounds intersting but it was really hard to read. It would be easier if there were more paragraphs. In particular each line of dialouge by a new speaker needs a new paragraph.

I can look past spelling errors in a really good story. But there are those who cannot. You might consider having someone beta read your work. There is a whole thread of wonderful volunteers willing to beta read in general discussions.

Good luck. you have a great start here.
Tuesday, 12 September 2006 20:28
Normally, I am quiting willing to let small things pass with story submissions...but I gotta say this: what I presume sounds like a rowdy little yarn about Simon getting shite-faced got lost in some serious garble from a lack of proof-reading. Really couldn't make heads or tails of it...and that's a pity.

Like desertgirl noted, having a beta would go a long way to ensuring you get tons of positive and encouraging reviews.

BEB

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