Blue Sun Room FICTION - ADVENTURE

Sweet Serenity

Sunday, July 23, 2006

It's my first fanfic and it explores the aftermath of the movie Serenity. Lots of martial arts, hopefully I will get it to be as epic as I want it to be. Please tell me what you think.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2397    RATING: 8.0 (PG13)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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Sweet Serenity

The crew of Serenity had finally gotten over their losses. It took time, and Zoë tried to hide it well, but the sorrow was still there. It had never really left them; it was just locked in a chest and buried under the sand. But it would never go away: they just had to get used to it, they had to move on…which is why Captain Malcolm Reynolds docked on Persephone looking for more passengers. Passengers meant more money, and although the Alliance Operative and his crew had helped them repair the ship the best they could, they were still in need of new parts. Too bad they were too gorram broke to buy any.

Mal opened the doors to the busy, dirty streets of Persephone. It was always a good place to get passengers, but at the same time he needed more work. Work that wasn’t of a legal nature.

Gorram it, he was worried about his crew. Zoë hadn’t smiled in days, but she was still functional as the second in command. Wash and Book were…dead, and they needed a pilot. He and River were able to function pretty well, but for how long? They could never pull off the maneuvers Wash could. But then again, River was a genius. She was truly gifted, and the lil’ albatross showed a lot of promise. Speaking of River, she was doing much better. He was glad for her; most of her mental illness was gone, and she was becoming a real crewmember. Jayne was just Jayne, he was a lost cause. He never was too bright. Simon is happy because River is getting better. And now that he and Kaylee-

He shivered. Thinking about that made Mal a might uncomfortable. The less said about the consummating of their relationship, the better. Oh, God! He said consummating! About Simon…and, and….Kaylee!

Gorram it, Mal, he thought to himself, you’re gonna scare away your costumers. Think money! Ah, yes, money…nice money. He then tried to smile, to put on a happy face so that hopefully he would bag a real rich-

“Cap’n!” yelled Kaylee from behind Mal.

“Son of a-!” Mal exclaimed. “Ai ya, Kaylee! Don’t you know not to interrupt a man when he’

Comments
Sunday, 23 July 2006 22:57
Hi Best,
well you've got your first comment- be happy.
I really liked it- the bit at the beginning about their grief being locked in a box and buried under sand- sounds pretty.
You've got a good strong narrative- just keep it up.
Maybe just rewatch firefly and serenity just before you want to write- sometimes that helps the dialogue flow better, if you want the characters to sound more like themselves. But the mandarin is a great touch.
I can't wait for the next installment
MADDADDAM
Sunday, 23 July 2006 23:22
hey besta....good first effort! You managed to maintain some integrity throughout the characterizations and that's a good starting point. The only problem I have is that the flow of some of the dialogue seems a bit wooden...kind of clunky. I agree with Shiny, alot this skill will come with practice AND as you familiarize yourself more with the voices of FF characters. Read other fan fics as well. Again, strong first go!
Sunday, 23 July 2006 23:52
I agree with Shiny and Mad. Good first go at it. Same stuff to say, basically about the dialouge, but I like your writing style (what can I say, I love metaphors!!!). Still, all-in-all, it was a pretty damn good first try. Keep at it!!!

-Danny
Monday, 24 July 2006 01:55
Great start here, Bestatwhathedoes! Didn't notice the clunkiness of the dialogue, but I do have a possibly pointless quibble about Bester's character here.

While one only encounters Bester once during the series (flashbacks in "Out of Gas"), he seems (to me at least) to be rather enamoured of the ganja (or whatever the 26th century equivilent of marijuana is), so him being a rapist seems a bit out there. But then again, lots of stuff could have happened between the loss of his job on Serenity and this story to make him deserving of the ass-kicking he just got...author's prerogative and all that fei hua;)

BEB
Monday, 24 July 2006 03:20
WOW That's REALLY good!!!! I LIKE IT!!!! Waitin on more pleaaase!!!
Monday, 24 July 2006 03:42
I myself am a new fanfic writer and I know how hard it is to get into the characters heads, but this was a reasonable attempt. The storyline is fantastic. Lots of action which is always good, helps create flow. Love the new character, strong and confident, always a good trait. Therefore all I can suggest is study the ff/s characters a little more learn their lingo and you should be set for a fantastic epic.
Monday, 24 July 2006 04:56
I appreciate everyone's feedback. I edited the story, so some of the problems mentioned have been corrected. Still need to work on the dialog, though. My next one will be better, it's my promise to you.

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