This has probably been done before, but is a sort of companion piece to 'Lonesome'. I've been having an angstfest of late!

*****

My husband tries not to wake me when he comes to bed. He raises the covers and slides in, barely disturbing the stillness, but I know he’s there beside me. I keep still, drifting on the edge of sleep, hearing him breathe. He is so warm. I turn towards his embrace; the sheets are cold and blank.

Empty.

I wouldn’t let myself feel at first. Seemed like we were all going to join him, and we had to buy time for the Captain. Had to get the signal through. Had to kill the bastards who did this.

Didn’t let myself feel back on the ship. There was too much to do to put her back together, get her flying.

Couldn’t let myself go at the funeral. I had to light the rocket. I had a task. I am strong. I am his warrior.

Mal took me to see him. After we got back, he and Jayne went up to the bridge and carried my husband below. Inara washed him. Should have been my job, but I was needed elsewhere. I couldn’t even do that for him. When Mal came to fetch me, I could feel the stillness. Everybody was looking away.

He was so still.

He lay in a clean shirt, his hair brushed wrong. He was cold. His eyes were shut. Never met a man with eyes so blue. Couldn’t stop looking at them. His arms were so warm, like a heated blanket. Wrapping me up and feeling so safe, even when nothing else could. Thought I was going to explode. Thought I was going to lose it all, but I tied it inside and I was strong. Had to be strong for Wash.

It wasn’t until I got back to the bunk after the funeral. Empty. No arms to hold me, no eyes to get lost in, no special look just at me. He saw more than the soldier. Made me mad that he didn’t always see the soldier, but he saw more than anyone else. Those eyes soaked you up.

I don’t sleep in our bunk much. I took a tip from Kaylee and when it gets too much I sling a hammock in the cargo bay. In the bunk I’m always wa