What the hell am I doing up at this hour?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010 1:09 PM

If it's any comfort at all, I'm up too. Or I should say "awake." Not "up." Unless by "up," you mean something besides "not down." I am awake. This thought does not thrill me, any more than any thought might thrill me at the moment. Which is to say, not at all. Don't worry too much if I'm not making much sense to you. If it helps, I'm not making much sense to me either. I'm like this sometimes. Unpredictably melancholy. Sucks. But nothing can be done about it right now. It will just have to suck.

So, what now? Well, now I have to dig myself the hell out. I have to take action. The wagging hand always gets the coin. And I've got to wag harder and faster than anyone else, whether I feel like it or not. No more time for this nonsense. No more time for this. No more thought to it.

But it is easier said than done, isn't it? The path is never clear and my boisterous self-confidence has taken a beating. I am well and truly lost in the woods. I'm really trying not to think so much about it. There is so much that is beyond my control! I think on it too much and it makes my head swim.

Maybe I should stop talking to my friend the preacher about shit--I didn't have this level of anxiety before all that got started. Or maybe I should be a little anxious. Hell. I don't even know anymore.

Gotta pull my head out of the maelstrom, though, and get my shit together. I've got a lot of arranging to do in the next two weeks. It ain't gonna get done if I can't shake this...I don't even know what to call it. Need for a beer? Perphaps. Head stuck in ass? Likely.

Here's hoping I get straightened out...faster would be better than slower...because this is really, really sucking.

Could somebody maybe just shoot me now?

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