does anyone else understand?

Sunday, September 2, 2007 6:23 AM

i need your help, if you can...

if you read my last blog...and i know it's been awhile since i've been on...but if you read my last blog you will see that i lost two of my classmates before the ending of the school year. spenser cox was hit by a train the weekend of august 25, 2006 and matt dilbeck was a passanger in a head on car crash,who sustained serious injuries that later caused his death on april 28th, 2007....

after they died...i was ready to move on. i knew they were gone and were happy to have known them and shared memories with them. i was happy, well i still am...i'm now just numb.

you see, the graduating class of 2007, from oregon illinois suffered another loss july 28.

you could say that we're slowly falling like dominos. i'm feeling numb. i only cried once when i heard about colton parker. and that was because i was scared to say goodbye again. i know i should have a good cry and i want to, but there was nothing there but this feeling as if my heart was hardening up, calusing from all the pain.

colton parker, the poor guy was driving home, having had little sleep, after dropping off his girlfriend...it was around one o'clock in the morning that he fell asleep at the wheel, crossing the median and hitting another car head on. he was a good guy, they all were. none of them deserved their deaths, their suffering, none of us deserved to lose them.

i'm not asking for your pity or asking why is this happening to us, i'm just wondering if there's anyone out there that understands this feeling of numbness. i wanna know i'm not alone. it eats away at me whenever i'm alone and left to think and i always think of those three young men. everyday...and i think i will for the rest of my life now. though i won't let it hold me back, the thoughts of them, it is just this feeling...this feeling of having the inability to feel emotion...that has me stuck in this state of...oh it's hard to explain. it's this state of masked sadness that noone else around me understands.

but i take deep breaths, smile, remind myself of the good memories, the great friends i still have and move on until the numbness takes hold of me again.

~beth

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