SLICEANDDICE'S BLOG
A Mother's Love or The Death Of My Writeres Block Pt. 2
Sunday, May 27, 2007 11:38 AM
Sigh... Of course it is being difficult.... ok spilt the story time...I beat my writers block have fun.
This is part two. Read part one first.
Cont.ed
“How can you say that? I am everything you had a chance to teach me and more. I am strong and confident, but soft and caring. I have a career and a life and soon a family. It was hard without you, but I made it through in one piece. How can you look at me with such hate and call your grand child a blasphemy.”
The angry look in her eyes waivers. For a moment I think she forgives. For a moment I think she realized her mistakes. For a moment I think I have the love of my mother back.
“Roz!!!! Wake up!!! Please baby.” Adiana’s voice cuts through the plane, trying to draw me home. But I can’t go to her. I can’t go to her because my mother is keeping me here.
“That’s why. This -that- isn’t what you where suppose to be. You where suppose to have it all; a life, a career, a family but most of all a husband. A husband, Rosalind, not some dyke slut. You where suppose to be normal. That’s why I can say that, because it’s the truth. You took all I gave you I had and more, I died rushing home to be there in the morning for you. I can say that, and I can punish you because of the wrong you’ve done. Its time for me to erase my mistake, before you can bring another to the world.” She wraps her hands around my neck and starts squeezing, start suffocating me.
I can’t think, I can’t compute. My mother hates me because I was true to myself, because I loved and made a life with my soul mate. My mother was trying to kill me. Kill me for no other reason than whom I turned out to be. And not only was she going to kill me, she was going to kill my child; she was going to kill her grandchild. This why I got sick when I wore the cross. Because she was punishing me for what she thought I did wrong. My mother was trying to crush the last bit of life’s breath from my throat, and let that be my last memory of her.
“Roz,” Adiana’s voice is there again, sounding strained and stained with tears. Like she’s mourning already, mourning us both, our child and me. “Please, not now. Come back to me baby. Please, please. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t – I don’t want to be without you.” She’s begging me to stay and I know I can’t leave her with out a fight. I shove my mother back and fall to the ground, gasping for breath. I feel the air, the life, fill my lungs again, and focus on my mother again.
“Is that how it works.” I cough and sputter but stand up to face her. “You get decide I deserve your love only if I am a certain way?”
I summon all my strength and stand straight, looking my once loved mother dead in the eye. I let my strength and anger call the moves. Anything else would be a burden and easily a defeat. And I can’t give up.
“You know, a part of me can understand why you hate me, but nothing can justify hating this child, for hating your grandchild. What ever it is that made you hate me I did. Me, mom, and no one else. I am the one who is gay, I am the one who fell in love with a woman, and I am the one who didn’t fulfill your envisioned future. And if you have decided because of all this I don’t deserve your love, but only your hate and anger and rage, fine! But this child has done nothing wrong, and deserves the right to live. She deserves the right to see how far her mother’s love will extend. Just like I did.”
"And why should I do that, when I don't even believe you deserved it."
I am speechless for a moment and my anger boils over. I grab the cross around my neck and hold it up for her to see. "I kept and wore this cross to feel your love and presence in my life, because I didn't have it directly in my life. I had to grow up without you in it." Then it hit me. Why she was really mad.
"You only hold a small portion of the responsibility for how I grew up, because you had no direct influence on most of the stuff I did with my life. You where there for my first kiss, my first love, my graduations or even there when I found my true love. And that must really piss
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