The Hazards of Getting Older

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 5:46 PM

Yesterday I turned 45 years old and I had plenty of time to think about the last 45 years, or at least 40 of those years because all of the events that took place between years 0 through 5 are rather foggy in my mind. Of course while I was doing all of this mulling over the past I was drinking my head off, which seems to be what I do best these days besides make my workers at the job miserable, which I do enjoy in a sick, drunk with power sort of way.

I’ve lived a pretty strange life when I really get down to it. I’ve realized that though I’m successful at the making money part of life, I really don’t have much of that enjoyment of life that people always seem to talk about. I’m unhappy most of the time, and to deal with that I engage in destructive behaviors in attempt to make myself feel “alright” about living in my own skin; I’m failing at this of course. Last night I drank 11 glasses of wine, and argued about religion and politics on in the voice chat section of Yahoo Chat. I wrote 4 reviews of certain restaurants I frequent, and of course since it’s me doing the writing, all of the reviews were totally negative. I ordered out for pizza and then forgot I ordered the pizza, so when my door bell started ringing I was annoyed because it was interrupting my yell fest with the people on Yahoo Chat. I stormed to the door and gave that pizza delivery girl a piece of my mind, and I guess I did it so well that the poor girl burst into tears. Nice Job River6213. I ended up apologizing to the girl, and gave her a $100 tip, and closed the door and carried my pizza into the computer room and sat down.

As I was sitting there I realized once again that I need to change something about this life I’m living; it’s not a happy life. There is nothing fulfilling about it. All I seem to do is go about life making other people miserable, and granted I get a sick charge out of it, but come on! It’s not right. It’s mean, and serves no real purpose; it is an empty act. It could be worse of course. It could always be worse, and I should count my blessings that I have a comfortable life in the 1st place. So many other people are having a terrible go at life, so I should be grateful, which I am, but something is missing; something fundamental and important.

I’ve decided to find out what it is that I’m missing. I need to eliminate the things that are negative in my life. One thing for sure is I think I drink way too much. I drink all the time, but I especially drink a lot when I’m at home, and I seem to do most of this drinking at home. I suspect that I’m a roaring alcoholic, but no AA for me! Those guys are a cult in its own right, and I will have nothing to do with cults. Also, I’ve taken up smoking cigarettes like crazy; this has got to go. I also think that I should get back into exercising because I remember feeling okay doing it, and I had a sense of accomplishment when I looked in the mirror.

It’s interesting when people get to be a certain age they start finding things to change in their lives in order to feel a certain way. For myself right now I feel ugly and mean, and neurotic, and crazy. Another thing I need to change right away is my need to be mean to people. Being mean to someone makes me feel like I’m in charge and in control of the situation, which is stupid BTW, but I do it anyway. Everything’s a war with me, and it doesn’t matter where that war takes place. It could be in a board meeting or the checkout line in a department store; I fight the fight all the time even when there is no reason to fight…does this seem right to you? I need to change into someone better and more alive than me.


Right now I’m sitting at my desk writing this when I should be working. I have a hangover to end all hangovers, and a stomach that feels acidic, and I think I want to throw up.


-River

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