Emotions? Where did those come from?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 1:15 PM

Maybe if I write this out, it'll help me to sort it out. You guys always seem to have something useful to add, or thoughtful observations that add insight.

I had my boys this weekend because Ami had to go down to Florida. Her grandmother, who had a stroke a little more'n a year ago, pulled her feeding tube out, and her aunt decided not to replace it, so basically they are letting her starve/dehydrate to death. It was a very sudden trip, and it caused me to cancel my plans to go to Gainesville, Florida to a Shindig a fellow Browncoat was having. I really wasn't upset about the cancellation, well, only a little, but certainly not upset at her for it.

She got back last night. I had to take the boys to her friend Susan's house night before last so I could come to work tomorrow, and then I got them afterwards and we played all afternoon. Forsome reason there was a palpable tension between us, and we began by snipping at each other. It got worse, until I had to get up and go outside for a smoke. We continued to talk, which included me being the selfish abusive a$$hole I was that drove her away. Instead of just shutting my mouth, I let it keep going, and ended up saying some very hurtful things.

This is how it was for a long time when she still lived with me. This is the reason I now live alone, and the reason I only get to see my kids on the weekends. The issue I am having with the whole thing follows:

For some weird reason, I still want some sort of relationship to work out with her. I don't feel that we ever got to grow a friendship, as it seemed to me that we were a couple or more from the day we met. We are so very different, which is another reason we didn't really have success. We had a good long talk on Saturday morning when I was getting the kids from her (and we were trying to get Zachary's fever to break, it was bad), and even talked about her moving back and us being roommates, with her working the second job and me stopping working at Ruby Tuesday.

Why do I feel perfectly ok that we are split up when I am sitting home lonely almost every day of the week, but when I see her I want to make something work? Honestly, it would be good for money's sake, and for having the kids home where I could see them every day, but when I really think about it, I don't want her to come back because of any feelings I have for her. Yes, I still love her, but am no longer 'in love' with her. I care about her well-being. Contrariwise, I can see myself completely falling for her again.

What the hell is wrong with me?

~jimi/RIMG/SFC Alexander

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