What Going Mad Feels Like

Saturday, June 12, 2004 12:04 AM

This must be what going mad feels like.

I'm in the grocery store today. Not unusual. And I see this big stack, maybe 8' x 8' of Coke 12-packs. And I don't mean "Coke" like some of you may refer to all carbonated beverages. I mean, Coca-Cola.

The packages are a funny color. Odd, I think. I peer closer.

"C2" it's called. Hey, I remember seeing ads for that. Didn't they learn their lesson with New Coke? They can't be that dumb. So, I peer closer.

"Low Carb Coke."

*stream of curses*

What the ?!?!?! Have our Corporate Overlords lost their damn minds?! LOW CARB COKE?! You know a trend has reached idiotic proportions when this happens. Especially when you consider that if you're fat and drink Coke, the problem isn't the carbs, it's the SUGAR and CAFFEINE. But no, slap a "Low Carb" label on it and watch those sales figures dance like shiny lil elves!!

Carbs are energy. If you're playing football tomorrow, you should eat a lot of them. If you're sitting on your couch tomorrow and watching "Oprah," you probably should avoid them.

But going out of your way for low-carb this, low-carb that, is the very height of what makes humans so freaking confusing. Instead of going to all this EXTRA trouble to find low-carb cookies, why not just eat the damn regular cookies and DO SOME SIT-UPS?!!?

I eat what I want, and in the mornings, I always run around the block before the sun gets too high in the sky to melt my valuable brain. If America did this, the dumbest thing I'd have to write about this weekend would be "The Stepford Wives," which I wouldn't waste my time on either way.

Resume surfing. And DON'T BUY C2!! Drink Coke, jog. That's my new slogan. WAKE UP, EARTH!!!

-Qs-

p.s. I think I'm going to bottle up some "Low Carb Water." I'd be RICH!!!

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