Showdown at the Self-Check

Saturday, April 17, 2004 12:00 AM

This is pretty trivial (okay, it’s really, really trivial.) What is it with these stupid self-check- out terminals at the grocery store? When I first heard about the concept I thought, “Wow, cool, I bet I could check-out, bag my groceries and get home to watch Firefly in record time.” Ohhh….how wrong I was!

I consider myself a fairly technologically savvy person. I can handle computers, pdas, automatic tellers and any other electronic device that rears its ugly head. The problem with these self-check-out machines is the store is so focused on preventing fraud and the slight possibility that you might walk out with a kiwi fruit or a pack of gum you didn’t pay for that the machines are impossible to use. They freeze up at the slightest provocation and if you take your freshly bagged groceries off the “bagging area” the machine has a hissy fit and screams at volumes that can be heard throughout the store, “Item removed from bagging area.” Yea, you piece of machine, I had to take my groceries out so I could open another bag to put more items in. If the machine didn’t freeze after this little proclamation, I could have lived with it.

Then there was the inevitable price argument with the grocery Overlord. The grocery Overlord’s job is to watch five self-check-out machines simultaneously and come and offer cheerful and helpful advice if you or your machine encounters a problem. So I say to the Overload, “This item scanned incorrectly, the price should be 2/$5.00.” The grocery Overlord frowned, yanked the item out of my hand, scanned it herself, consulted her master list and announced, “No that is the correct price.” “No, it isn’t,” I said, “There’s a sign the size of my torso, that says 2/$5.00$.” The Overlord rolls her eyes, gives me a pissed off look and calls one of her underling grocery trolls over. “Go see if you can find a sign by this item that says 2/$5.00$.” The troll is gone an interminable amount of time. My co-pilot and I stand around making small talk with the smarter grocery shoppers, who had actually chosen to go to a human checker. When the troll comes back, she says, “There isn’t any sign that says 2/$5.00.” I’m pissed as hell, but at this point, I’m tired, I’m hungry, it’s late and we’ve already been standing in the damn grocery store forever. “Fine.” I hiss. The Overlord gives me a gloating look. I finish paying for the groceries and as I’m walking out she says in her best condescending voice,” If you want to bring me the sign, I’ll give you the 2/$5.00 price.” “Fine.” A little smile brightens my face and I stalk down the grocery isle, rip the sign off the grocery case and charge triumphantly up to her register. It’s a real burn being right so often. She looks first visibly shocked that the sign actually exists, then she’s incredibly pissed. She hunts down the grocery troll who couldn’t find the sign and shakes both the sign and the item in her face, there by demonstrating her superb leadership and management skills. I get my money, my items and a half-assed apology from this hwoon dahn. It’s good to know customer service isn’t dead.

I would rather have dental surgery than have to deal with that machine again. I would also love to shop at another grocery store but they are the only grocery chain in town, except for Wal-Mart, who I also loathe but for different reasons.

What’s in the CD player: Ollabelle. They rock: Go here to hear them:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0001I2CE8/qid=1082158781/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl15/104-5876002-2985515?v=glance&s=music&n=507846

What’s for dinner: Heirloom lettuce salad with garlic croutons and a thyme vinaigrette. Chicken and rosemary dumplings.

I still want to go see “Hellboy,” and now I want to see “The Punisher.”

Be Well!

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So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven

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