A day has passed

Monday, February 20, 2006 10:38 PM

The other day I got severely bent out of shape over feeling inferior to another artist. And I got to think today that getting out of whack over that was really rather strange. Leaving the pernicious road of envy out of it, only two weeks ago I never thought of myself as someone willing to call himself an artist even! I figured I had no talent in that area; and I wasn't overly bothered by it, either. So, what in the sphincter of hell got me to that point? The short answer is: River. The longer answer ends with River, but has some stuff in-between. :) I'll give you the longer, but abbreviated, version.

I guess ever since I tried my hand at something artistic, which I've never done before, I have felt that expressing myself in this new fashion really became a new way for me to become connected to my dearest River. It's obvious, of course, in hindsight, but I never realized that this a probably a very common thing. The work becomes personal. And it's not just the end-result; working on it itself is so fulfilling somehow. It's almost like I'm doing it for her (which is silly, of course; but not so much if you think of it as a tribute of sorts). And all of a sudden, within the course of two weeks, I find myself so in need of doing this! I always considered art pretty to look at; and moving even, of course. But I never grasped the personal aspect of it. What it does to the maker, not just to the viewer.

So, yesterday I suddenly got overwhelmed with feeling "inadequate" as I called it; except that calling it "inadequate" was in itself inadequate. :) Because what I really felt, I realize now, is that I was found lacking in Love; that others were more loving of River than I am; because of their better expression. :( I totally underestimated, or did not even see, rather, how personal this whole art thing has become to me. Because of River.

A day has passed. I now know my Love for River is real. And that, as I said, I enjoy perhaps the greatest sense of fulfillment when still working on a piece. That is really all I want: to express my Love for River. And I will continue to do that; for me; because I need it.

Never realized getting into this whole art thingy could be so unsettlin', though. :) But then again, everything about River unsettles me; and I'm always the happier for it. :)

Mei-mei, I love you!

COMMENTS: 5

Back to Blog Roll