CAPELLA'S BLOG
Lunacy
Tuesday, February 14, 2006 6:35 PM
This is going to be a rather long and personal log entry. I just have to get some things out of my system. You are really welcome to read (and comment, of course), but don't say I did not warn you
Do you know the Angel ep where they have a sesitivity training at the police department and go all emotional (I think the ep title is "Sense and Sesitivity")? It was a little bit like that at work today (minus the training part). Everyone was just venting over something or yelling at someone else. And I sat at my PC screen on the verge of tears all day (more on that later). I really could not figure out a reason, until the thought came to me that, hey, maybe we have a full moon? And then when I just got home from work, there she was, staring me in the face, all big and round and satisfied with herself, laughing at me. Luna can be a real bitch sometimes.
My life is a little Whedonesque at the moment. I am having relationship issues. Well, actually it is just one relationship issue and the issue is more or less that I don't have a relationship. That's something I share with roughly estimated a fourth of the human race, so it isn't half bad and I should be able to live with it by now (my last steady relationship ended 8 years ago and there weren't many unsteady ones in between either) At that time I fell in love with a man who did not return my feelings. That hurt, of course, rejection always does, but I got over it (or so I thought) and we became friends. Good friends. Close friends. Soulmates even. We really developed a brother/sister like relationship, we had so much in common it sometimes was almost scary. We are both pretty smart (the "gifted is the term" variant of smart), but were underachievers in school and especially at university, dropping out of our academic careers at almost the same time, found work at the same company, we both seemed unable to get a steady relationship on the way, we spent vacations together, wild ones, too, we shared a tent and a bunk on a sailing vessel more than once, we were rope partners when rock climbing. We are close, as close as you can get without starting a sexual relationship, but never would even as much as a kiss pass between us. He was the one who drove me to the hospital when I sprained my ankle, he fed my chicken broth when I was sick and he was the one I could call when I needed a strong man to help me redecorating my apartment. He depended on me to help him with his resume for a new job, he asked for advice on dating women. We talked on the phone for hours, we exchanged up to 20 emails a day. We were close. We needed each other in the way you need someone when you are single and still want to share your life with someone.
Half a year agon he fell in love with another woman, the right one, this time, as far as I can tell. He is as happy as can be, they moved in together after only three month and they are going to get married in two weeks. I am sure that he would say that his feelings for me have not changed, but he just does not need me anymore. And for that reason I cannot keep calling him and depending on him the way I did all the years before. I feel like I am losing my best friend. I really do. And it hurts just so much. I hate myself for this, acutally. I don't want to need anyone, I want to be in control of my life and the last thing I want is to go all weepy about a man who does not even love me back (because as much as I want to blame it on the best-friend-no-longer-there part, I am afraid that this is what it is all about, still. He rejected me and marries someone else). I know it is time to just let go and be happy for him. I just can't. I am not Julia Roberts. I can't go to his wedding party and wish him luck on his way (and I don't have a gay friend who would show up and dance with me instead, either ... goodness, I even watched this stupid movie with him once). I know I would break down and cry as soon as the ceremony starts and I would probably be the one waving and screaming at the "if anyone here knows a reason..." part. I told him I will not atte
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