I will close my eyes and my heart, and become a stone

Wednesday, February 1, 2006 4:03 AM

Today I saw "Objects in Space" again.

Only a few days ago, I was raving about the grand act of selflessness of Simon, who was willing to give up everything for his helpless little sister. But does, in the end, not River do exactly the same? She's willing to go with the bounty hunter. and forsake all her sense of safety and protection, just so she can unburden her brother and the crew.

A tear-jerker? Oh, I flowed me a river alright (pun intended). But tonight I found myself crying from so deep within; and then another time, as I realized why. Because I find myself so lacking in humanity. :( I find my soul weeping, as I know I have the keen ability to see Love, and recognize it for what it is, and, with it, the painful astuteness of knowing I am wanting in humanity.

"Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a heaven in hell's despair."

River, I wish I were the human you are. I wish I were that noble, that selfless, that willing to sacrifice self. I am not even half that. Onboard the FireFly, I hear myself thinking: I'm an insect who dreamed he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over.

Xiao mei-mei, I could not even love you properly, even if you really were my little sister; how sad is that? :(

Wo xiang mei er, mei xin, bian shitou.

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