Kentucky is not a foreign country

Wednesday, May 4, 2005 4:44 PM

Someone started a thread today seeking out Browncoats in Kentucky. While I was rambling on in my signature (check the thread to see what I'm talking about), I was struck with the realization that I've reached a goal I subconsciously set for myself about 10 years ago - I've learned to speak without my western Kentucky accent.

Now, understand that the western Kentucky accent is far different from the eastern Kentucky accent, and I'll debate anyone who says there is an overall, skeleton-key southern accent - it doesn't exist. Each region of each southern state has its own dialect. For example, parts of eastern Kentucky don't have chili dogs - they have "hot dogs with sauce." It's still chili, but they don't call it that when you eat it on a hot dog. Funky.

Also understand that I'm not ashamed of my western Kentucky accent, and it has not been completely obliterated. When I'm drinking, sick or very tired, it creeps back into use. Otherwise, I've attained, as far as I'm concerned, an undiscernable accent.

I did this (subconsciously, remember) because, even though I had no idea what I wanted to do with my professional life, I knew I'd end up doing something that required a great deal of verbal communication, and there are people around me that even I can't understand because of their thick twang. "Twang" is not the right word there, but it's the only one I know everyone will understand. I didn't want that to be a hurdle for me. So, rather than jumping over it, I kicked it down, broke it, jumped up and down on it, then put it in a bag and started carrying it with me.

Quite the analogy, if I do say so myself.

The bag stays closed most of the time - not really by choice, though. My fear through this transformation is that my family and friends in the area might think I was ashamed of my heritage. I'm not. I love it here. It's quiet, the food's great, and I'm within a comfortable drive of several major cities (Nashville, St. Louis, Chicago, etc.).

And that has connected me to Firefly in a different way. None of them really use an accent, but the language is similar to how I have spoken.

As for popular stereotypes about Kentuckians, I'll list how they apply, if at all, to me (I may repeat some of the ones in my signature on that thread):

My wife is pregnant but hates walking around in bare feet.

My house is not on wheels, and there's no place to add any to it.

My two vehicles ARE on wheels and (knock on wood) have never been on blocks. They are also all one color.

I have two dogs and one cat. That's it.

I said earlier that I only know one person that has none of their original teeth - I actually know two. One is a white trash beehotch who decided at an early age not to brush her teeth - EVER. The other had an accident. I have all my teeth - and none are black.

I ... hate ... tobacco.

I do not own, nor have I ever owned, nor WILL I ever own a Confederate Flag. Not because I think it stands for slavery, but because most everyone else does, and I don't want to be lumped in with the hicks cruising the square in their rusted-out pickups.

I do not have a genetic predisposition toward country music, mainly because what's being played on today's country stations is not country music - it's some kind of ice-pick-to-the-ears hybrid. I like Haggard, Jennings, Cash and both Hanks - that's about it. I do, however, love Bluegrass. I'm all about some banjo over here.

Bug zappers are not that entertaining to me.

I got tired of hearing "You might be a redneck if ...," "Here's your sign" and "Git er dun" after about a week of each. The rest of the stuff on the Blue Collar movies (not the show) is good - I just hate that other stuff. Regardless, I like Ron White better than any of the other three guys.

And, as far as I'm concerned, if you want a pretty accurate cinematic description of the type of towns I've lived in, watch Doc Hollywood. Underrated flick.

And I say "flick" alot because of Kevin Smith movies. Nootch.

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