When dreams turn to dust - story of my life thus far

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 10:04 AM

Nov. 28th, 2004
05:27 am - Confronted by a dream...

When something that you have wanted for a long time suddenly surprises you and seems like it's actually going to happen... something you've only dreamed of but never thought would come to pass; you cannot help but doubt it - against all your senses and feeling to the contrary. Impossible. Nothing good happens to me. It's an illusion, a mirage - it'll vanish as I approach. And so I hesitate to get my hopes up. Yet they rise of their own accord, balloons with strings just beyond my reach and ability to keep them down. Will they be crushed again, as so many times before they have been? Or is it possible that dreams and reality sometimes do exist on the same plane? When only time can reveal truth, I find myself impatient for an answer that I so so badly need, yet dread. And can my feeble hope withstand another drop? Does a cliff loom ahead, down the path of life, just obscured by the fog of uncertain futures? Or will I find my dream there waiting for me?

Nov. 30th, 2004
02:33 am - Dreams turn to dust

If only I'd known, that cliff was far closer than I could ever have predicted. And I didn't realize how far I had let myself go. I entrusted my happiness to fate, and walked blindly forth. And now I am left at the bottom of the cliff, a crumbled mess, bloody, and covered with dirt. Nothing but broken promises. Lost hope. Abandoned plans.

The fog is so thick now, it makes it hard to breath. I cannot see. It's useless.

What did it all mean? What happened to my dream? What was it all for?

I'm sorry. I have failed. I have let myself be ruled by emotion. I have lost my control. And now I feel my very sanity is threatened. I feel so alone. So very alone. Can you hear me? Are you out there? Do you even care?

I have been discarded. Perhaps it wasn't time, perhaps I should have waited. But the dream beckoned to me. Seduced me. Made me believe that all was right, that all would be right. Well here I am.

So lonely. Is there anyone there?

All that is left of that lovely dream is dust, that fills my lungs and chokes me.

---

Ok, for those of you going 'huh?'... a more literal description of the events passed might be in order.

Some of you may recall the girl I dated three times, remained friends with, and helped when she attempted suicide. (For those that don't : http://forums.prospero.com/foxfirefly/messages?msg=18250.1 )

Well, we continued to be friends, and she started to get better. Finally, as a great surprise to me, she told me that she wanted to try getting back together. That since I had always been there for her, and always been nice to her even when she wasn't so nice herself - she had decided she did like me. I gave her plenty of outs, plenty of tests to be sure, I didn't want to be hurt again. I finally started to feel reassured. Things online started going really smoothly, and we planned to meet again at Farpoint, a science fiction convention. It would be fun, less awkward, and, being in February, gave us some time, and her some time to get better still.

Well, the online talking grew and grew, and slowly my old feelings of her became unlocked, released, and built upon. While I still had a bit of doubt (witness the first post), she reassured me that all was fine. I started thinking about her all the time. We talked online for hours upon hours, about things I've never talked about with ANYONE else. It started to feel like we were together.

Then tonight. Tonight felt like any other night, at first. Then she started to... have qualms about the whole thing. She felt that I wouldn't like her. I reassured her how I felt, but perhaps that made things worse. She told me that she cannot get close to people, that she pushes them away. She did agree that she felt close to me. I tried to persuade her that things would go well... But by the end of the night, she had totally pushed away. No more meeting again. No future dating. No chats like we had. I do not know how she really did feel about me. I do not know what to believe anymore. She did admi

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